How-To: Using An Epilator

This bit is a time capsule from Dai Xin (Cierra), age 22, in Shanghai, year 2001... recently unearthed from the now-defunct icetornado website.

How-to
Using an Epilator
The epilator is an extreme machine for extreme people. Read about mine and find out how you can use your own.

Using an Epilator

I. My Epilator

The Epilator is really, really cool. I was attracted by its shiny design: picture gripping in your hand the curves of a desert landscape with a pearl-blue satin finish, topped by a row of eight shiny, revolving, mechanical pincers. It's like a very sexy android crab.

So I bought it. I took it home and plugged it in. The metal pincers whirred menacingly, flashing in the evening glow of my tianli lamp. Entranced by the fascination of it all, I let the little creature run up and down my legs and torture me for about an hour. It wasn't quite as painful as slicing myself with a knife, and it sure is a more effective hair removal tactic.

II. Buying an Epilator

The saleslady at LeGou let me read the instruction manuals for each of the different epilators they carry (all Phillips). In a variety of sizes and pastel hues, the epilators range in price from 60 to 150 Canadian dollars. I ended up buying the cheapest one because I didn't want a shaving attachment or a skin cooler or a massager with it. What's the point? I can massage with my fingers, I can cool with icewater and lavender, and I can avoid shaving for the rest of my life now that I have the epilator! My epilator is called a "Satinelle" by the manufacturers. In my opinion, although it's from the lower end of the line, it's a pretty posh product. It even comes with its own pearlized vinyl carrying case. The nylon drawstrings are a bit tacky I suppose, but one can't expect everything, can one?

III. My Epilation Expertise

Anyways, since I read all of the instruction booklets for the entire line of Phillips Epilators, and then epilated my own legs, I now consider myself to be somewhat of an epilation expert. And I do get a kick out of being an epilation hero for withstanding the pain. So, in my infinite benevolence I thought I would share my expertise with you.

IV. What is an Epilator? Epilation vs. Shaving

What is an epilator? Aside from being an object of aesthetic perfection (I'm about ready to fetishize the damn thing), it is an electronic tweezer set. You know shaving? Well, shaving is really dumb because you have to do it every few days if you want your legs to be smooth, and they are never even perfectly smooth anyways since even the next morning you can have a bit of leg stubble to wake yourself up with. No, you didn't leave sandpaper in the bed, that's what you get for SHAVING! I personally hate shaving and I never do it. Prior to last night I had both long underarm hair and long leg hair, a visual and sensory testament to my hatred of shaving. God, I'd rather grow a rainforest on my shins than have stubble. Yecch!! Stubble is for handsome boys' faces, not pretty girls' calves (unless the handsome boys' stubbly faces are getting somewhere near the pretty girls' satiny calves).

Epilating is NOT shaving. Rather than cutting your hair for you and causing skin irritations from the allergenic shaving cream, an epilator roves up and down your legs grabbing the hairs and yanking them out by the root! A much more effective method, and the violence makes it much more exciting. Even if you're allergic to metal, as I am, using the epilator is ok since it doesn't have to touch your skin. It just has to come close enough to grab those hairs.

V. Getting Ready to use the Epilator

First, if you have been growing your leg hairs, you should trim them with manicure scissors until they are a half a centimetre long or less. This is for optimum epilation.

Epilating is an extreme activity. Phillips cautions: If you have diabetes, if you are pregnant, if you have haemophilia, or if you have any type of immune definciency or reduced immune response, you should consult your doctor before using the epilator. Also, you should not use the epilator on irritated skin, skin with spots, varicose veins, or hairy birthmarks.

Since it is such an extreme hair-removal instrument, it can cause mild skin irritation. This is a normal reaction and will quickly dissappear. Well, that's a no-brainer, think of ripping out all your hairs, of course it's gonna hurt! However, Phillips and experienced epilator users all say that after epilating a few times, the user no longer feels the pain. Anyways, for the epilation virgins among us, it's a great idea to have with you a bowl of cold water with a cloth soaked in lavender. You can use this to reduce the inflammation more quickly after epilating.

Epilating works best after a bath or shower because skin and hairs must be clean and free from grease. However, they must be completely dry.

The epilator has been extensively tested for use on underarms and bikini line. BE CAREFUL with the bikini line. I would never bring an epilator anywhere near my bikini line, but then, I would never bring a bikini anywhere near my bikini line either. However, if you must dehumanize yourself by wearing a bikini, I'd rather you epilated than shaved, god, stubble is just wrong in such a nice, soft, place.

VI. Using the Epilator

Some girls change their mind about using the epilator when they hear the loud and frightening sound it makes. Those girls are obviously wusses who do not listen to enough punk music, and in my opinion they don't deserve the epilator anyways. If you want to use the epilator, you should grit your teeth and withstand the scary noise.

Pull your skin tight so the hairs stand up a bit. With the epilator at right angles to the skin, and the on/of switch facing the direction you want to move it in, epilate against the direction of hair growth. This is the stage at which many girls quit - the sudden sharp pains brought on by this violent assault upon the very roots of your leg hair make you jump at first, then they make you feel like you have to pee, but if you get over these initial reactions, it starts to be fun in a perverse sort of way. It helps if you listen to loud music (Andy Kim or New Pants are best). Don't use earphones though, it creeps me out if I can't hear the epilator working. Besides, with no loud music on, the distinct sound of the epilator will make your roommate think you are using a new vibrator. You don't want that, now, do you?

VII. After Epilating

Cool your skin with lavender icewater. Let it relax, and then treat it with your favourite cream or lotion (make sure it does not contain any alcohol). If you don't have a favourite cream or lotion, dilute ten drops of lavender oil, three drops of tea tree oil, and six drops of patchouli oil in a tablespoon of sweet apricol kernel oil and slather it all over your smooth new leggies. Admire the shine on your calves. Run your fingers up and down the smooth surface. Your legs haven't been this smooth since you were born! Try on all your anklets, put on your favourite shoes, roll your jeans cuffs up really high as though you are digging for clams at the beach... you now have fantasy ankles, so show them off!

When your leg hair starts to grow back in three to four weeks, it will be the ends of brand new hairs poking up through your skin - no stubble! New growth tends to be lighter and softer. You can re-epilate as soon as your hairs have reached 0.5 millimetres in length. Wow! If you were shaving, that would be like the next DAY! Epilating is really way better than shaving. You get three to four weeks of hair-free smoothness, and when your hair grows back it's cute soft little fluff.

When you epilate in the future, it won't hurt as much.

Take up the habit of regularly massaging your legs with a loofah. This prevents the new hairs from becoming ingrown.

Before putting your epilator away in its pearlized baggie, clean it with the brush provided. Do not use water, just whisk the hairs out of the epilating disks, put the protective cap back onto the device, admire it for a moment, and then put it away.

VIII. Conclusion

Now you can wear whatever shoes you want, whatever socks you want, whatever pants and skirts and shorts you want. I used to have to wear birkenstocks and hippie dresses in the summer if I wanted to go bare-legged and still look fashionable. Now, however, now, I can wear anything I want, from shiny pink fake-leather pants to flowery frilly miniskirts. Not that I would wear those particular things, but anyways I COULD.

Buy an epilator. Enjoy it. Admire it. Find out if you're brave enough to use it.