The Rhythm Of My Days

In my rhythm of days at the still-alive age of 31, on different days I want different things. I always have one nervous eye on the slumbering travel monster in my cave, and am careful not to wake it lest it spirit me away. On many days I am happy and want to keep focusing on the immediate (god, love, light, kindness, pleasure, food, water, tea, whatever). Some days I secretly conspire with myself in planning hypothetical aspects of my still-hypothetical new career. Some days, such as this morning, I'd rather change course suddenly and have a baby than ever travel again. But most days, I carefully angle the monitor away from the travel dragon so that I won't wake it while I compulsively read ads online for teaching jobs in Saudi Arabia, Oman, India, Brazil, France, and Portugal... one third of me wishing I could get back on the road by September!

But I angle that monitor away from the dragon. I don't coax and cajole it to wake up gently, I don't ask it to bend down and make room for my knapsack so I can climb up on its back and tickle it between the wings. I really want to teach myself to stay put instead of escaping. It doesn't mean I won't travel again... but it means I don't want those wheels to start turning that are so hard to stop. If I were to allow myself to plan a future trip or apply for another overseas job, then in my mind, that plan would become my escape from having to figure out how to just stay put. I don't want to give myself such an escape at the moment. I've never been able to let myself become so "light" without floating away, and I need to endure the tension so that I can be "light" and be grounded at the same time. It's so important for my health, and not just on the physical level. Yes, as of April, I can digest all my food, unassisted. Now I just need to be able to digest my experiences, be where I am, and not expel everything in my haste to make it to the next spot. I am cultivating myself!